we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
