The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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