My Higher Power is John Stamos
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
