yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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