I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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