He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
