my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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