last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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