Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
