You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
