also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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