she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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