Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
should my penis look like a turkey
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
