guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
