Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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