drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
