In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
