Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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