Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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