When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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