In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
