i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
