I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
