First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
