you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
