Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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