I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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