I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
