You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
