There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
