I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
