I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he thought i was a dude.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
