There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
