I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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