Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
