I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
