Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
