I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
