covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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