i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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