You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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