i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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