I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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