i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
