Your face is a jimmy john
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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