i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
