Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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