Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
