i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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