I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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